So, there I was, believing I was a lover of Truth, and all the while I was hiding from it. I have been a prisoner trapped in my own brain, afraid to accept what was in there, let alone let the monster OUT. So I’m on a bit of a mission to crank that old rusted door open and let the Light in, to scrape off some layers and see what’s under there. And it might not be pretty. In fact, it most definitely will not be. You have been warned.
Truth is, I can be Ugly. Yes, Ugly with a Capital U. I can get angry. I am opinionated and sometimes judgemental. I am afraid, almost all the time. Afraid of life, afraid I’ll take the wrong road, say the wrong thing, write the wrong song, make the wrong decision, hurt someone’s feelings, be too odd, be too honest, lose friends. I’m afraid of being thoughtless, stupid, of making a fool of myself. I’m afraid of being invisible; I’m afraid of being noticed too much. I’m afraid of the road this country is travelling. I'm afraid of any member of my family getting seriously sick or hurt. I’m afraid of being chased by mammoth mice with chomping teeth. Ok, not really. But seriously, if there’s something to be afraid of, gosh-darnit I’ll find it and attach myself to it.
I am afraid of truly being myself. So I bottle everything up, shake it, barely crack open the lid, and filter the heck out of whatever finds its way out. It’s ‘safe’. It’s crazy. Really. And ridiculously exhausting. And after all that, I end up being dissatisfied with everything around me because I can’t respect myself for being too afraid to BE myself.
Sheesh.
One thing about me that I know is True - I belong to God. He is my Maker and Savior and I am hopelessly lost without Him. I also know I want to shine His light, but I don’t always.
So here’s to recommencing the serious journey to finding Truth and the perfect Love that casts out fear. It may not always be right, but it will be honest.
Truth is, I can be Ugly. Yes, Ugly with a Capital U. I can get angry. I am opinionated and sometimes judgemental. I am afraid, almost all the time. Afraid of life, afraid I’ll take the wrong road, say the wrong thing, write the wrong song, make the wrong decision, hurt someone’s feelings, be too odd, be too honest, lose friends. I’m afraid of being thoughtless, stupid, of making a fool of myself. I’m afraid of being invisible; I’m afraid of being noticed too much. I’m afraid of the road this country is travelling. I'm afraid of any member of my family getting seriously sick or hurt. I’m afraid of being chased by mammoth mice with chomping teeth. Ok, not really. But seriously, if there’s something to be afraid of, gosh-darnit I’ll find it and attach myself to it.
I am afraid of truly being myself. So I bottle everything up, shake it, barely crack open the lid, and filter the heck out of whatever finds its way out. It’s ‘safe’. It’s crazy. Really. And ridiculously exhausting. And after all that, I end up being dissatisfied with everything around me because I can’t respect myself for being too afraid to BE myself.
Sheesh.
One thing about me that I know is True - I belong to God. He is my Maker and Savior and I am hopelessly lost without Him. I also know I want to shine His light, but I don’t always.
So here’s to recommencing the serious journey to finding Truth and the perfect Love that casts out fear. It may not always be right, but it will be honest.
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