I blame it on the pink capris.  

We had a cruise to the Bahamas scheduled, my first one ever, and the day before we were to go I realized my birth certificate wasn’t in the file where I thought it was.  Everyone else’s were, and all the rest of my documents, including my old expired passport, were, but not my birth certificate.  Which meant I wasn’t allowed to get on the boat.  So we didn’t get to go.  

Were you ever put on restriction when you were growing up because you did something wrong, and everyone else got to go to the birthday party, or the theme park, or the movie, and you had to stay home?  Oh, the profound disappointment and embarrassment - you know, the kind that hits you right down in the pit of your stomach.  And the questions like, what if I had just not backtalked my mom, or snuck out that night, or gotten the D on my math test, or whatever else that had caused the punishment.  Well, that’s how I felt about this cruise.  If I had just checked a week or even a couple of days before to make sure, I could have been early enough to get a birth certificate copy, or even get a renewed passport.  But there was nothing I could do.  So the ship sailed without us.  And I felt doubly worse because it wasn’t just my vacation that was ruined, it was my dear husband’s as well.

So, needless to say, the last couple of days haven’t been the happiest of my life.  But our sweet babysitter took our kids for the day yesterday anyway, and now they are spending the night with my parents, so my husband and I have had some time to spend together, even if it’s not Away.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful day and we decided we didn’t want to stay inside on a day like this, so we got ready to run some errands.  I love bright colors, but if you went and looked in my closet right now, you could hardly tell.  My clothes are mostly neutral and darker sort-of colors, with a few shirts that are bright.  And mostly it’s because I’m afraid to stand out.  Silly, huh?  But today I decided what I wore needed to be colorful because my mood wasn’t, so I put on a pair of pink capris I had originally bought to wear on the cruise.  My husband loved them.  And you know what?  I kinda liked walking around in them, too.  So we walked into Walgreens to pick up some things, and I saw a pink wide-brimmed hat.  I put it on to be kinda silly, but my husband, who doesn’t usually have much to say about things I wear, complimented it and wanted me to buy it, especially because it went so well with my pink pants.  So, I bought it.

You know, I’ve always seen people who wear bright clothes, and especially hats, and wish sometimes that I could be that kind of person.  And it suddenly hit me - why shouldn’t I be?  What am I so afraid of?

So I wore it when we decided to go to the plant nursery to look for trees for our backyard.  And I had fun.  No one else was wearing a pink hat today, or pink pants, but I didn’t care.  I felt fresh and springy and fun.  And my day got a little better because my attitude changed because I was wearing a pink hat and pink capris, even though I wasn’t on vacation.

And it makes me wonder - how often have I actually made myself more of an unjoyful person because of little choices I make, or don’t make, because I’m afraid?  And when I’m unhappy, it can spread to my family, or anyone else who is around, and the guilt of everyone else’s unhappiness makes me even more unhappy.  Now, I realize that wearing a pink hat doesn’t fix all my problems, but why not make the little choices that might help me to at least start out with a better outlook or demeanor?  The choices that, interestingly enough, allow me to be more of the person God created me to be, so maybe His light has a chance to shine through?

Funny the things God can use to get a little Truth across, even a pair of pink capris.  And the Truth will set us free...

Sometimes, or maybe all the time, being inside my head is one of the weirdest places ever.  And one of the most exhausting.  Do you ever get completely stressed out and crazy, running like the proverbial headless chicken, and then take a step back for a minute and wonder exactly why you were feeling the weight of the world, or your job, or your family, or life, or whatever else, so badly on your shoulders?  Sometimes I get to a place where I’ve gone way beyond seeing the forest for the trees - I’m seeing the tangle of vines that are hanging from those trees, the bugs climbing the vines, the bracken covering the ground, etc etc...  I wonder sometimes if there is a magic finger snap that I’m missing or something, anything that will clear away the clutter in my head.

But sometimes, or maybe all the time, it’s the fight to clear a path through these tangles that helps me write the songs I do.  I guess if I didn’t feel the whirlwind I wouldn’t hear the music.

What’s your ‘music’?  What is the thing that helps you make sense of whatever might threaten to undo you?  I think we all have those things - the unshapes, the times when things are hazy, confusing, and maybe scary.  What is your outlet, your stabilizer, the thing that you do to help you get back on a clear path?  

I know without God as my Rock I’d be more of a mess than I am.  And my outlet happens to be music.  It’s the thing that can calm me, help me see things in another light, put words or notes to feelings I would otherwise have a hard time explaining to myself, let alone anyone else.  So, in an odd way I guess I’m thankful for the times of Unshape and Tangles, because it makes me reach up and out, and even though I can’t see through it all the time, I can touch not only the music but the One who created it.

Spring is seriously sprung now, I think.  My poor overgrown flower beds in my front yard were yelling at me, so I’ve been taking care of them today.  I hate to admit, but I think sometimes ours must be “THAT house” in the neighborhood - you know, the one we all like to drive by, shaking our heads because the yard looks so unkempt.  Yeah....  So, I got out there today and made war with some weeds.  There’s still some left standing, but I at least don’t feel like I have to hang my head in quite so much shame.  It will be a battle I will finish with relish tomorrow.  My azalea bushes are just starting to bud.  It should be pretty very soon.  Now, the backyard I don’t even want to talk about....  What with dog and children, I think there’s no hope for that one.

So, I recorded some more music tracks over the weekend.  Or I should say, re-recorded.  They were recorded last week, but I’ve decided to take a couple songs down a key so I’m having to relearn and re-lay tracks.  It’s all good, though - they sound so much more ‘right’ in a lower key.  Not to mention, much easier to sing.  That’s one of the perks of having my own little studio setup at home - I can take as much time to lay tracks as I need.  It’s taken me about 10 years or more to get my studio to this point, and I’m still adding and subtracting pieces of equipment to get it the way I’m comfortable with.  And of course, there’s a HUGE amount of learning how to work it all that I still need to do - I only know basics, and I don’t think I’ll ever get to Pro status.  But it’s fun, it’s at my fingertips, and it at least provides what I need.  And I’m thankful. :)

So now that I’ve scrubbed off at least most of the dirt fallout from this morning’s weed scuffuffle, I’m heading back upstairs to record while my Li’l Dude is napping.  

Cheers!

So, I’ve recorded a few rough draft keyboard and vocal tracks for a couple of songs in the last few days.  Building songs from the ground up is challenging, but so satisfying when they finally come out right!

I find it interesting how long it has taken me to find my musical style and voice - what is really me instead of what I’m trying to sound like.  Just because I knew how to carry a tune when I was younger certainly didn’t mean I could sing.  Music, just like anything else that comes from the core of us, takes a certain amount of depth, conviction, Soul, and believability to be any good.  I think back through the last 15 or 20 years and am amazed at the little twists and turns my musical road has taken, right along with my personal road.  I sometimes watch singing competition shows like The Voice, and so often I’ve seen amazing singers not get chosen just because they weren’t grounded in their style yet.  There is a certain maturing process, a discovering of who the musician actually IS, and I have found in my case that settling on my style has taken longer than I expected.  I’ve tried a lot of different styles, and I still have a range that I like to write and sing, but it’s finally been in the last couple of years that I’ve seen my ‘voice’ really coming into focus.  And, oh, I’m glad!

There was a little song that I learned growing up that said, “Be yourself and do the things that you know best; be yourself - it’s my advice to you or else you’ll always be a nobody, so be yourself or else.”  So simple, and yet how funny that it takes each of us whatever amount of time to not only really learn who we are, but to be comfortable and accepting of it sometimes.  This is when I’m so thankful that God is patient, that though He knows the end result and  that we must be SO frustrating sometimes in our bumbling way of learning, He is so wonderfully willing to watch us take our little steps and to love and encourage us all the way through.