So, I had a bit of an epiphany today.  Maybe you’ve had it too.  And here it is (drum roll): 

          *I am exactly who I was made to be, and in just the place I am needed.*  

I know, I know, it may sound a little trite and A-B-C-ish, but let me explain a bit...

I homeschooled my oldest daughter this year for first grade, and was pretty stressed about it the whole year.  She has done fine, but I haven’t felt adequate in a lot of ways.  I felt like I wasn’t being fair to her because I couldn’t give her the kind of school experience I want her to have, the kind that will inspire her and help her to love learning.  I have never seen teaching as my strong point, I don’t have the knack for arts and crafts, and even thinking about setting up things like science experiments (and the messes that go with it all) nearly gives me ulcers!

Whether I wanted to or not, I have subconsciously done a lot of comparing - comparing myself with people I don’t know that I come across on Pinterest and homeschool forums, and people I do know that are lovely friends of mine.  For instance, the several school and home teachers I know and highly respect; the friends who seem to know how to relax and just let the day roll without getting too stressed, or at least know how to handle the stress well; the ones who are wonderful moms who give so much of themselves to their children; the ones whose energy never seems to quit; the ones who are brimming with ideas and talent for things ranging from backyard farming to art and decor inside the home; the ones who just instinctively know how to make life fun for their family; the ones who are strong, Godly examples for their children.  And when I look at myself alongside all these ones I admire and respect, I can tend to get discouraged sometimes because I feel like I come up so short so often.  And when I see it in the light of homeschooling, I sometimes wonder if I should even be doing it, if I am right for it, if I really have what it takes, or if I should just let someone else who is more qualified and gifted in the areas I am lacking teach my kiddos.

So we come to today, and my epiphany.  

It was simple, really.  I was standing in the kitchen, planning what to make for lunch.  Those who know me know I am a cheese freak, and I was especially looking forward to my lunch because I had a new little pile of special cheeses in the fridge that I was going to eat while the kids had their ‘regular’ cheddar cheese and crackers.  My kids love to sit up on the stools at the kitchen island while I’m fixing meals so they can ask questions about what I’m making, or have ‘taste tests’ of any ingredients I’m using.  Today as I was getting out all my cheeses, my daughter wanted to taste test them.  So, instead of the kids eating regular cheese and crackers, we all sat around the kitchen island together while we tried different things, making it a game and deciding which combination of flavors we liked the best.  Even my little 3-yr-old dude was all into it, trying toasted baguette with honey chevre (goat cheese) and strawberry jam, gorgonzola (which is like blue cheese, only stronger and tangier) on sesame crackers, and smoked blue cheese with pecans, and then washing it all down with club soda and apple juice.  I was amazed that both kids loved what they called the ‘stinky cheese’.  And as I stood there watching them get so excited about experiencing new flavors, it hit me - This is something that is a part of me that I can share with my kids, just one of the many little ways that I can be a part of opening new horizons for them, and not only are they learning but it’s FUN for all of us!  It was so small and simple, but it made me so lighthearted.  

And just like that, my peace and confidence in the decision to homeschool my kiddos went up another tiny notch.  If God is leading me to do it, then I’m the right person for the job.

Comparing ourselves and our gifts to the gifts of others is such an unfair thing to do.  God made us who we are, and then He strategically placed us in the lives of those who need us to just be us.  So - if I may share from the little things I sometimes learn - we have so much more of a chance to be happy if we shine in the gifts and talents God gave each of us, instead of being worried about talents we don’t have.  Sometimes it’s hard to see certain parts of us as God-given gifts, but maybe that can be a prayer we pray - that God show us the things about us that are unique and useful, even if WE don’t see them as all that important.  He has equipped each of us with precisely what we need for what He has called us to do.

So let’s Shine today.

The thought that won’t let me alone lately is Carpe Diem - you know, Seize the Day.  

Some of this has been about the album I’m working on right now, feeling this determination to keep going, don’t stop, don’t let it sit.  But it also reaches to other areas of my life.  I know I’m still relatively young, and I could have a lot of years ahead of me.  But I also know how time marches on and doesn’t wait, and that there’s already a good bit of life behind me.  And even now, I know some opportunities are getting just a little bit fewer, and some doors have already closed and may not open again.  

I’m not saying I think my life has passed me by.  Far from.  I think that no matter what age we live to, there will always be things to reach for, things to learn and to give.  I’m also not saying I don’t enjoy what I’m given to do each day, because there are things God has blessed me with that I find joy in.  But I can look back 10, 15, 20 years and remember many of the things I had planned to do, and some of them I still haven’t done and may never.  And I don’t want another chunk of time to go by and then I wake up one day and realize more opportunities have gone behind me now that I never reached for.  

And there’s so many reasons to not reach.  Fear of failure, straight up laziness, having less time than I used to each day, losing focus, losing a sense of purpose, or for some reason thinking I’m happier in the car with the windows up watching things go by outside instead of making the effort to stop the car, open the door, and make myself a part of them.

God has created us to NOT just settle while life passes by.  I know we should find contentment while walking our path in life, but we shouldn’t mistake contentment for losing the desire to reach.  Whatever God has given me to do, I don’t want to bury it because it causes some discomfort or fear.  God made us to learn, to progress, to step out and LIVE, to NOT BE AFRAID.  And if He has put a deep desire in us to do something, wouldn’t it be terrible to be too afraid to take the plunge, to really deeply experience the growth and the life that we could get from it?  But more than just the getting and the learning, it’s the sharing with others, the lives we could touch because of something beautiful God has put in us, that we would lose out on.  And that would just be heartbreaking.  Especially if we let the opportunities completely pass us by and eventually could only look back with regret.

So here’s to Seizing the Day, every darn bit of it!

I love breakthroughs.  It’s too bad that I can’t decide when I’m going to have one.  But isn’t it funny that so often they happen right after, or maybe even because of, a really tough patch.  One just happened for me with my music, and I’m so thankful.

I go through various ups and downs where my music writing, and especially vocals, are concerned.  You know that saying, "You’re your own worst critic"?  Um, yeah, that’s kind-of an understatement for me.  I sometimes hold myself and my music up to a ridiculously high standard, one that I will probably never reach, and then get discouraged when I can’t reach it.  And then there follows wailing, and weeping, and general gnashing of teeth, and firmly and passionately deciding to quit (for good this time, darn it!) because I’m not good enough.

And then, after it’s all out of me and I get quiet again....I realize music is just a part of me whether I like it or not, and it coaxes me to keep going.  And if I listen, and try again even though I think I’ve hit the limit of my ability....sometimes, after months or years of frustration....I don’t always know why, but the timing is right, a little switch flips, and things make sense....the pieces fit, the cogs slide together, and the wheels turn, and I truly connect with what I’m doing.  And then the tears that follow are for a completely different reason...

So I guess I am constantly learning to keep going even when things don’t seem to be flowing, because I don’t know what might be happening under the surface, or when that last hit with the pickaxe will make the water gush.

So, with renewed anticipation I head to my studio to see what might happen today...