So, work on the current album continues, slowly but surely.  Sometimes it’s harder to keep working on it than I thought it would or should be.  As much as I love music and used to joke about how I’m a walking note, as life has played out I find myself having trouble knowing sometimes exactly where music fits into it.  

As a homeschooling mother of a 2nd grader and a cutie but time-consuming 3-yr-old, my brain and energy get tied up with household and mom duties, and music often gets left on the back burner.  I find that I have to talk myself out of guilt when I DO set aside time for music - guilt over letting my focus be taken away from my kiddos and put on something else that is a passion of mine.  God gave me these precious children to care for and teach, but in His wisdom and love He also gave me a husband who knows I have music guilt issues and helps me shake them off when I need to.  And it’s important that I do that, because music is not only something I love to do, but more importantly it’s one of the ways I can be a testimony to the unconditional love of God.

I know God put music in my soul.  It’s one of the ways I can connect to Him.  And because I love to worship Him through song, I have often wondered why He gave me the writing style He did, which isn’t what I’d think of as “worship music”.  My songs are more like stories, pieces and parts of my daily walk.  Sometimes they’re light and fun, other times inspirational and hopeful, but often they are darker and full of questions and struggles.  And for a while I was afraid to write and record those kinds of songs, afraid that in writing them I would be painting a picture I didn’t want anyone to see.  But an interesting thing I find is that, strung all together, the songs I write actually create a picture of the love of a God who is wise beyond my comprehension, and the faith in the core of my being that keeps me seeking Him.

God knew exactly what He was doing when he created each one of us.  He knew our life here wasn’t all going to be cake and ice cream.  He knows that the roads He gave each of us to walk are there to stretch us, humble us, shake us, and teach us, and that there are going to be times when we question His love and compassion for us and others.  But I believe that through the creative expressions of our struggles, if we let Him shape us, we will learn and be able to share beautiful things.

As the song by Gungor so simply expresses it, “He makes beautiful things out of the dust.”

So, I realize it’s been a while, so bear with me if this entry is a little long.  Everything and nothing has been happening.  A bit of a whirlwind has been going on here the last couple of months, sometimes catching me up in it, sometimes causing me to just sit tight in the middle, waiting for it to blow itself out.  It hasn’t all been bad, mostly a lot of things, busy-ness, Noise, and some deeper struggles and doubts - I’m sure you know just what I’m talking about...

I find that the Noise happens in waves.  There are chunks of time where it’s relatively quiet and I can walk at a decent pace.  Then there are the surges, when all I can do is hold on and hope it doesn’t roll me out flat.  It’s during these whirlwind times that I can tend to lose my sense of direction.  I come out of them either feeling Stupendous and Exhilarated because I fought the good fight and kept the faith, or else struggling with defeat, discouragement, exhaustion and loneliness, which then makes me feel even more condemned and foolish because I am afraid I failed the test.

Those kinds of whirlwinds can be confusing as heck when they’re happening, and often pretty unnerving because many times things don’t stay the same.  Think of some of the storms you’ve been in or seen the aftermath of - the changes can range from bits of branches and leaves all over the road to as serious as car damage from hail, large pieces of patio furniture blown several feet or yards away, roofs caving in from where whole trees have fallen, or worse...

Life can be scary.  Even if you fight that good fight and hold fast to the Rock, that doesn’t always mean you’re gonna come through the battles feeling triumphant.

It makes me think of Elijah.  You know, the part of his life when he had done some great and mighty things in the Name of God, soundly defeated all the false prophets of Baal, then supernaturally ran like the wind to share the exciting news that rain was finally coming, bringing an end to the famine.  Then Jezebel became incensed because all her precious prophets were dead, and she made a very serious death threat against Elijah, and he got out of there quick.  I’m sure it felt like a physical and emotional roller coaster for him.  

But instead of proudly determining to “be strong and handle it all” because he was, after all, a proven man of God, he showed what being a man of God is all about: he cried his heart out to his Lord.  He was crashing after this glorious victory, he was tired and scared, and he didn’t seem to feel embarrassed to be weak enough to hide and cry for help.  And God answered him.  Not in a condemning, condescending way, but He was loving and kind, and took that moment to teach Elijah another beautiful thing about Himself.  He told Elijah to come outside his cave, and stand.  And Elijah did.

Then loud, confusing things happened all around Elijah - a mighty whirlwind, powerful enough to literally shatter the ground, then earthquakes, and a fire.  But while these things were awesome and terrifying, they weren’t what God was using to speak to Elijah.  Maybe Elijah needed to remember how powerful God was so he could take heart and trust Him again.  Maybe God needed to help Elijah stay humble by showing him His greatness.  But whatever the reason, God showed him those before He really spoke.  It wasn’t that those things happened without God - He sent them directly.  It was never out of God’s control.  He was behind it all.  But they were not what God used to personally connect with Elijah.  It wasn’t until He spoke through a ‘still, small voice’ that Elijah felt the personal, comforting, yet very sovereign and powerful touch of his Creator.

Sometimes we have to remember that the whirlwinds happen, and it’s ok to sometimes be tired and scared, even if it comes after witnessing the mighty works of God.  BUT, in that utter loss of heart, we need to not look to ourselves to ‘buck up and be strong’, but instead cry to God.  Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed in those times - God doesn’t like that pride that keeps us from calling out to him for help because we think that we should be able to ‘handle this one’.  

Let it go.  You can’t handle it.  But God can.  Keep crying to Him.

And then wait for that Gentle Whisper, so full of amazing and utter Love, and be comforted.