How many times do we choose not to do something because we’re afraid to fail?  In my case, sadly, countless.

It’s not just failure I fear, though.  It’s the part where everyone sees me fail.  That’s oftentimes what keeps me from stepping out.  (Ah, hello, Pride!)  God forbid I appear a fool to everyone.  

But really, how bad is that?  So we fail at something.  Or appear to, anyway - God knows the end of our story, not us.  So there’s a big chance that pride will be hurt, or that we will lose faith in ourselves.  Ok, so what?  Having pride and faith in ourselves is a big misdirection, anyway.  The fact that we are going to fail sometimes is a given - if we never failed, than we would pretty much be God, wouldn’t we?  But we’re not.  He is.

So, say we finally get up the guts to step out and do something, and it doesn’t work.  Now what?  Are we going to decide never to step out again so we don’t have to go through that humiliation or heartbreak again?  And - here’s a thought - is part of the issue that we think we’re entitled to succeed from the beginning?  Maybe that’s why we had to learn to walk when we were babies.  Babies don’t know enough to get embarrassed.  They don’t say to themselves, “I have fallen down enough, I deserve to walk now or I just won’t try anymore.”  Nope, they just have this little drive inside that makes them want to learn to walk, so they do.

And if something doesn’t work out how we wanted, how do we know it was a failure, anyway?  We’re not privy to the whole story.  We don’t see all the intricate workings, where all the little streams go after we pass them.  What looks like failure to us may be producing something beautiful a ways downstream.  Maybe from above it’s another tiny (and deliberate) brush stroke in what will be an amazing work of art.  We just need to remember to have patience, AND the faith that God really does have our best interest at heart.

I think just as parents are sitting and rooting for their little one to keep trying, take that step, don’t stay down just because they fall, God must be rooting for us, too.  If He put something in our hearts to do, it’s up to us to put aside the fear (and laziness, maybe...?), and do it.  Just because we fall down doesn’t mean He means for us to stay there.  It’s a learning process.  So we fall.  So we just get back up, maybe even having learned a little something new.

There’s freedom in that, isn’t there?

So, after years of research, heartache, and futile trying, I’ve come to a conclusion: I’ll never be good enough.

Good enough for what?  I don’t know.  I have spent years trying to be good enough for something, and the sadly funny thing is, I don’t know exactly what.  Good enough for someone else?  Good enough to meet my own expectations?  Good enough to do what I believe I am called to do?  Good enough to be a child of God?

Whatever it is, I will never be good enough.

Thank God.

Because now that I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, maybe I can finally quit trying so hard.  Now I can just BE.....in the grace of God....  I can begin to step out of myself and my fears of not “toeing the line”, and truly live as God has wanted me to - with my hands reaching out and ready to touch others, and my eyes open instead of squeezed tightly shut, trying to block out the constant mistakes I make.  It’s not about my mistakes.  It’s not about me at all.  

It’s about being free to show the Love of God to others.

I have always been so worried about how I present myself, if I’m doing things right or messing up, striving to be good enough and falling into depression because I know I fail miserably.  Love has been a rather elusive thing for me to understand and practice because it’s something, just by its nature, that makes me reach outside of myself and into the lives (and oftentimes space!) of other people.  And sometimes I’m not comfortable with that.  I always feel like my own broken things have to be fixed first so I can have something to offer before I can reach out to anyone else.  What a lie that is!  I will never have anything great to offer anyone.  But God certainly does, and all I have to do is be open to letting Him use me to do it.

I can’t explain why God loves us so much.  But I know He does.  Laying his life down for us is the biggest proof of that.  And I’m so thankful.  Now if I can just learn to accept the love He already surrounds me with instead of futilely trying to earn it, maybe I would remember what joy really is.